


Lighthouse

by greensaleen



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, ziam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-18
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-04-09 23:03:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4367669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greensaleen/pseuds/greensaleen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn feels like he's a ship lost and sea and the only thing that's guiding him is the lighthouse that is Liam Payne. But Zayn sucks at poetry and these waves that toss him are ragged and wild and the lighthouse seems to be getting farther and farther with each breath he takes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lighthouse

**Author's Note:**

> hello babes i'm writing this fic for my best friend for her birthday ay turn up. i'm an american so i had to do a lot of research for this fic so if something is off please tell me thx fam.

   If Zayn had to pinpoint the absolute worst moment of his life he would chose right now. _Well,_ maybe he'd choose the time Waliyha set his hair on fire when he was nine, or the time Louis threw up in his hat the first time they drank vodka when they were fourteen, or when his mum walking in on him wanking off in his bedroom when he was twelve.

   But no, he was certain, this was the worst moment, hands down. Because this was the moment, when he was seventeen years old, in a dimly lit basement that reeked of booze, that he realized this. _He is in love with Liam Payne._

    _No._ Zayn mentally corrects himself. _This is the moment you realize you still are in love with Liam Payne._

   But let's back it up. Back it way up. I guess if Zayn's going to explain this mess he might as well start from the beginning, _the very beginning_. They were neighbors. Back when Zayn was in primary school, six years old, and he lived with his dad, his older sister, and his mum who's belly was painfully swollen from carrying another child. They lived in a crumbling apartment complex in Bradford with shitty water pressure and the everlasting smell of mildew. But for the first six years of his life this was home. And this is where he met Liam Payne. This is where they chased each other around the cracked tiles of his kitchen floor with swords made of paper towel rolls. This is where they made forts out of his parent's freshly folded sheets, holding dying flashlights that flickered on and off. This is where Zayn made both of them crowns out of week-old newspapers, using his purple safety scissors to cut out the pointy parts and his yellow marker to colour them in. This is where Zayn placed the crown on Liam's head and ask him to be his prince, and where Liam giggled and said that " _princes only can be with princesses_ ". And this is where Zayn got his little six year old heart broken but it didn't matter really because that summer his dad got a promotion and they packed up their things and moved to Brighton and Zayn never saw Liam again.

    _Until now._

***

   It happened during lunch. Zayn sits on the slightly damp grass in the school's yard, watching Louis try snort a piece of spaghetti up his nose, failing miserably. Niall trying to yank the noodle away from Louis before he hurts himself, laughing in the process, and Olivia is looking at them with annoyance and brushing her brown hair out of her face as she goes back to revising, highlighting sections of an A-level study guide on 'social science', whatever that is. Zayn disassociates himself from the moment to reflect on his friend group. There's Louis and him, friends since they entered this secondary school, from inappropriate little eleven year olds laughing at boob jokes to seventeen year olds that'll take anything to get a high. And on the flip side there's Niall and Olivia. Olivia's the most compassionate girl Zayn has ever met, so it's confusing as to why she hangs out with them. I guess Louis was nice enough to her when she first moved here from California to make her want to stay with a bunch of idiots like themselves. Whatever the reason, he's glad. She's the mum of the group and keeps everyone together. Oh of course there's Niall. He kind of just inserted himself into this group one day and he's never left even though he's got like _tons of friends._ He's got this thick Irish accent and he talks about golf and shit all the time and he's started wearing this fucking hat that makes him look like a 1930's paperboy and Zayn just wants to rip it off his head. But he laughs a lot and always has food to share and Zayn doesn't mind him. Zayn's still reflecting on his friendships when he notices Olivia has miraculously taken a break from her highlighting and she's just staring, eyes wide, mouth slightly parted. Zayn turns around in the direction in which she's looking and, _holy fuck_. The guy he sees is tall and muscular and he's got a little stubble on his face but he could recognize him out of a thousand people.

   "You've got to be fucking kidding me," Zayn mumbles. It's Liam. The same Liam that he confessed his love for when he was six. Even in his grey school-issued uniform he looks better than the other guys in the yard. He's looking down at a slip of paper with a confused expression as he stands in the middle of the concrete pathway. He's painfully giving off a "new kid" vibe and he might have been pushed down or something by some asshole if he wasn't so...

    _Attractive?_ Zayn's mind offers. He brushes it away instantaneously, because,  _he's not gay._ He was a kid when he was mates with Liam. But you know, _he's not blind either._ Zayn continues to look at him. Niall and Louis stop their bantering when they realize half their party has gone silent. Louis notices Olivia staring and whistles, "Oh man, Olivia thinks the new guy is fit." Niall of course, burst out laughing.

   Olivia doesn't even turn to look at the two when she speaks,"Shh, just let me thirst for this boy who is fine as fuck, like _damn._ " The four watch Liam methodically as Harry Styles, easily the most popular person in sixth form, saunters right up to Liam and gives him a big goofy grin and they start chatting. Harry Styles may be everyone's dream best friend but Zayn thinks he's not that horrible. He's nice and friendly and makes everyone feel welcome. In fact, Zayn can't recall a single bad thing about him. _I think he works at a bakery with old people after school._ But, just cause he's popular, some people are bound to hate him, like, _ahem_ , Louis.

   "Oh of course the new kid is already buddying up with Harry freaking Styles, he was already fit to begin with and now every girl's going to want to play hide and seek in his pants!" Louis whines, "I mean Iwas _best mates_ with Harry and then one day he starts sproutin' curls and now he's hot shit and everyone loves him."

   "Dammit," Olivia curses, "Well there goes my chances. Sophia's probably going to get her hands on him before I do." Olivia sighs and turns back to her book. Louis thins out his lips apologetically and pats her on the back.

   There's silence for a few moments before Niall furrows his eyebrows and asks,"Hey Malik you alright?" Zayn looks back at Niall, who's got a smudge of tomato sauce on his chin, and realizes he's been frozen, staring at Liam wordlessly the whole time.

   "Oh uh," Zayn clears his throat, "Yeah yeah, I'm okay."

 

***

   After lunch, he's got maths and history, and he usually sleeps in both of those classes, but today, his mind cannot shut down and there a single person who's occupying it. _It's been eleven fucking years for crying out loud. How could you still like him?_ After class he sprints out to the alleyway to meet Louis who already started lighting up and smoking a joint. He practically rips it out of Louis hand and takes the longest fucking drag he has ever taken in his life. "Jesus," Louis comments,"What fucked you up? Did you fail a test or some shit?" After coughing for like five minutes, Zayn's head clouds up and he relaxes.

   Zayn chuckles deeply and vaguely replies,"Yeah probably." They lean wordlessly against a brick wall, passing the joint back and forth, until they've finished it and are slowly coming down from the high.

   "Dude I'm fucking hungry," Louis states finally. He kicks some gravel with the tip of his foot.

   "Same," Zayn agrees rubbing his eyes sleepily,"D'you think Niall's busy or something?" Zayn laughs at his own joke. Louis laughs too. Zayn hears the ping of a cellphone and Louis pats himself down until he finds his phone in his hoodie pocket. He turns it on and reads the screen.

   "Shit," Louis whispers, he turns to Zayn to explain,"My grandpa's coming over for dinner tonight I fucking forgot, I gotta-I gotta get sober dude I need to go home, sorry." Louis says ducking out of the alleyway and waving to Zayn. Louis is gone in seconds and Zayn's left in the alley alone, he doesn't know what to do, so he decides to walk home. He pulls out his beanie and crewneck from his backpack and tries to achieve the impossible task of pulling the crewneck over his shirt while trying to hold his beanie and backpack and walking at the same time. Not to mention he's still stoned. He's got one arm in the sweater hole, holding his backpack and his beanie, but his head and other arm are tangled up inside the sweater. Just when he's found the head hole, he collides with something sturdy and land flat on his ass, which hits the pavement, _hard_. His beanie and backpack flies out of his hand onto the sidewalk and Zayn groans as pulls his head and arm free of the sweater tangle and looks up to see Liam scrambling down and holding him up by the shoulders trying to pull him up.

   "Holy fuck I'm so sorry I was on my phone and I wasn't looking are you okay I'm-" Liam is speaking in rapid-fire apologies but stops abruptly, his eyes widen,"Holy shit! Zayn?"

   Zayn is too out of it to reply, his face inches from Liam's, who's hands are still tightly gripping his shoulders. He just stares and blinks.

   Liam also stares back, but whereas Zayn is staring blankly, Liam is studying Zayn's features, and if Zayn wasn't so high he'd be self-conscience. "Are you," Liam asks hesitantly,"Are you stoned?" Zayn snorts and Liam drags him upright. He retrieves Zayn's bag and hat from the sidewalk as well as his own phone. After handing Zayn's items back to him, he awkwardly scratches his neck. "Okay, well I'm going to go...Nice seeing you mate," Liam says and walked away. Zayn just stands there for a few seconds before stumbling home.

   He makes it to his house and walking to the front door, fumbling with his keys for a second before unlocking the door and walking in, a major upgrade from the shoddy flat of his childhood. He sneaks into his room without confrontation from any of his family members. Zayn flops on to his bed and slowly he regains his common sense. _Holy shit._ He shoots up from his resting position. He thinks back to what just happened. He ran into Liam, _and Liam fucking recognized him._ He rubs his hands over his face and groans. _He probably thought I was a fucking idiot._ But Zayn needed to get a grip. He wasn't six anymore, he couldn't cry to his mom when Liam wasn't with him, he couldn't make Liam a drawing of him as batman to win him over, and he couldn't ever ever ever start liking him again. _Not that I liked him in the first place._

   ***

 

   The next day at school is filled with anxiety. Zayn is constantly looking over his shoulder for Liam, and he's constantly thinking about Liam too. He can avoid problems in art and english, but his French teacher had it out for him since day one. When Zayn doesn't hear his name called in class, the teacher calls his name louder and he snaps out of his haze. "Yeah?" he replies. His teacher looks at him with a stern look.

   " _Quelle est la réponse?_ " the teacher asks. When Zayn doesn't respond she sighs,"The answer, Mr.Malik?"

   "Uhh,"he starts," _Oui?_ " The entire class erupts into laugher as Zayn turns to find Louis for support. Louis just knits his brows making a face like, _'_ _what the hell dude?'_

Mrs. Jacobson raises her eyebrows and slightly rolls her eyes in disappointment, "Pay attention in class Zayn. We're talking about masculine and feminine words. _Le nom est masculin._ " Zayn tries to come down from his embarrassment and ignores the rest of the lesson until it's time for lunch. He packs up his notebook and walks towards the door where Louis is waiting for him, picking at a lose thread in his sweater. He doesn't mention what happened in class and Zayn is grateful, although, this isn't the first time Zayn has been called out for spacing off. Usually it's because he's tired, _or high._ But definitely not because his mind was preoccupied with his crush from Year 2. Louis and Zayn are walking in the hallways when Niall pops out of nowhere and starts talking,"Hey! Can you guys go to the canteen with me I'm like fucking starving and the lunch lady has me on a chip limit."

   Louis laughs and turns to face Niall as they walk,"You want us to go to the canteen to get chips for you?" Niall smiles and nods. "Alright Niall just 'cos I love ya,"Louis replies and the trio walk into the canteen. As usual, it's loud and stuffy, and it smells like really fucking bad. They get into line and Niall grabs a sandwich and some custard as well as two containers of chips, Louis and Zayn trail behind grabbing a container of chips for Niall. Louis has to stop Niall from getting some weird mystery meat goop thing that look like diarrhea. After they pay for their food, the lunch lady eyeing Niall suspiciously, Niall runs into Harry and they laugh and converse, but the room is too loud for Zayn to hear. When they exit into the yard Zayn asks Niall what he and Harry we're talking about.

   "Oh yeah! I got invited to a party, _at Harry's house!_ Insane right? It's tonight. He says I can bring whoever I want, so of course I making you guys go. The struggle will be tearing Olivia from her good girl life for a night," Niall cheerfully informs the two boys, impatiently grabbing his sandwich and digging in.

   "Oh look at you Mr. Popular. Well I heard Styles' parties are fucking lit, so I'm there. You coming Zayn?" Louis asks, nudging Zayn lightly.

   "Will Liam be there?" Zayn blurts out, he becomes flustered and tries to cover up, poorly.

   Louis and Niall look at him confused. "Who?" Niall asks, his face full of chips.

   "Oh uh," Zayn stutters,"The new kid, his name is Liam." Louis and Niall look at each other. "You know, for Olivia?" Zayn tries, and the guys crack up. Zayn mentally exhales.

   "Hopefully. He's the only reason she'll go," Louis comments. And frankly, he's the main reason Zayn's going too.

   The boys walk up to their lunch spot where Olivia is buried in yet another study book. Zayn scans the yard for Liam and he can vaguely hear Niall explaining his _'awesome party'_  details. He turns back to see Olivia looking disgusted.

   "No thanks _,_ " Olivia answers dryly,"They're going to be fuck boys everywhere. Plus my parent's would never let me go." She caps her green highlighter and turns to look at the boys and frowns. Louis 'boo's her and throws chips at her, she blocks them with an open palm and they land scattered on the grass.

   "What the fuck dude?" Niall complains snatching the chips container away from Louis.

   "The new kid is probably going," Louis attempts to persuade her leaning into her to nudge her shoulder,"You know that you want to get that boy."

   " _Liam,_ " Niall sing-songs.

   "Oh my god that name is so hot," Olivia says, she steals a chip from where Niall is hoarding them in his lap and ponders, chewing slowly,"Fine. But I need to finish my A-Level Spanish studying like right now." The two boys celebrate their victory with whoops and Olivia mumbles Spanish to herself, uncapping the highlighter again. Zayn just remains quiet, picking at the grass quietly. He feels something nagging him, and that something is so obviously, jealousy. _But it's not jealousy._ Zayn internally protests. _Why do I care if Olivia likes Liam? It's not like he's mine or anything._

***

The last class for that day was poetry. He took it because he needed an extra class and he thought it was an easy A. But Zayn didn't know how bad he was at poetry until he tried to write one about a bird in class the first day, and he was awful. The words just don't flow right. It's clunky and embarrassing and he's so glad he never has to read any out loud. As he takes his seat and pulls out his notebook which is almost empty because he's constantly ripping out pages and throwing them in the trash. When he looks back up, he sees Liam stumbling into the classroom and walking over to the poetry teacher. Liam talks to her and she looks ecstatic to see him and she points him to the seat that's right next to Louis. Zayn panics immediately, but when Liam plops himself next to Zayn and turns to him, Zayn can't help but smile. "You sober right now?" Liam whispers, smiling.

   "Yes you ass." Zayn retorts and grins, "But seriously, thanks for helping me up." Zayn has no idea why he's not nervous but _it's Liam_. Everything comes natural. Everything just fits. Ms. Kingston taps her desk lightly and the class looks up to her, she clears her throat and puts on that teacher-smile.

   "Good afternoon class. Today we're going to start with a warm up. It's a little silly but it'll help you start using more sensory details when we write the next poem," Ms. Kingston starts as she paces the front of the class,"Okay get with a partner and you're going to use all five senses and write down one thing per sense that you can observe about each other. _Use details!_ You have fifteen minutes." The class gets louder as people try to get with their mates and Liam turns to Zayn.

   "You uh..."Liam trails off, instead opting for using his finger to gesture to himself and then to Zayn.

   Zayn chuckles, "Yeah, I guess." Little did Zayn know this exercise was really fucking awkward. Okay yeah so maybe Zayn's in complete denial about everything but smelling the guy who was your best mate in Year 2 is uncomfortable by itself, and then adding in the fact that there's something in Zayn's head that screaming, _L_ _iam smells fucking good._ And that smell turns Zayn on, _just a little._ But he's thinking deny, deny, deny.

   "Oh god I forgot the last sense," Liam exclaims laughing so that his eyes crinkle, pulling Zayn's mind back to the classroom,"What is it?"

   "It's uh, touch," Zayn thinks and quickly supplies the answer. And now his eyes are racking Liam's body for something to touch, and oh god that's a mistake.

   "Here give me your hand," Liam grabs his hand without waiting for Zayn's reply. He holds Zayn's hand in his palm and rubs his thumb around his palm and over his fingers and Zayn's hand is becoming clammy and his heart is beating so loudly and his chest is about to explode. But then Liam lets go of Zayn's hand and Zayn feels relief and aching swirled together in his chest all at once, like a fucking ocean of contradicting emotions that are drowning him.

   Ms. Kingston calls the class back to attention once more, she smiles brightly when the class settles down. "Okay!" she clasps her hand together," Now for your poem use those details to write a piece. You don't have to turn it in, this one will only be a practice poem." And Zayn's eyes go wide and he's just sitting there, staring straight ahead, too afraid to look at Liam.  _I have to write a fucking poem about Liam._ Zayn just stares at his scrawl on the paper. He wrote shit like "eyes: hazel with flecks of green" "wide smile" "smells like deodorant or cologne???" Zayn's going to fucking die. His hand is shaking and he has no idea what to write. Well, actually he could write pages and pages describing every detail of Liam but he has no idea what to write with out sounding so fucking obsessed. _Cause I'm not fucking in love with him._ Zayn reassures himself once again. When the class ends he balls up the paper and throws it into the trash, and he prays his feelings will go along with it.

***

   It's 6:34pm and Zayn is riling through is closet for something decent to wear. He's got ten minutes until Louis picks him up and he's freaking out. After changing about a thousand times, Zayn decides on a raglan shirt and some jeans. He runs downstairs as Louis honks his horn but his father stop him from the couch where he's sitting before he can leave. "Zayn where are you going?" his father questions.

   "Uh out with a friend, Louis. You know him dad," Zayn replies quickly, almost out the door.

   His father sighs,"Wear a jacket then." He goes back to watching football. Zayn grabs his hoodie from the coat rack and bolts out the door. He runs out to Louis' car, an ugly red Kia, and jumps into the backseat greeting his friends as he enters.

   "Why does this hoe get the front seat?" Zayn complains, and Olivia makes a face that represents mock-offense. She looks nice though, wearing a blue sweater and some light jeans. But then he remember the time they kissed in his bedroom when they we're fifteen and how that didn't work out well, and he laughs.

   "Cause I had to lie to my parents and say I'm sleeping over at Melissa's and then I had her to cover me for me and now she's pissed because I couldn't bring her to the party," Olivia rants while clapping for emphasis. Zayn holds his hands up in defeat.

   "Fine fine," Zayn gives in, he turns to Niall and rips the hat off his head,"But I'm not letting you wear this shit out."

   "I'll have you know that's my favourite hat," Niall protests.

   "It's fucking ugly Niall, Zayn's doing you justice," Olivia says bluntly, texting at the same time, and Niall groans. She laughs and says,"Remember when he wore his hair in a fringe."

   "Oh my god yeah he thought he was cool," Louis chimes in, keeping his eyes on the road, and the whole car, sans Niall, erupts with laughter.

   "Or the time he wore that green jumpsuit," Zayn adds with excitement and Olivia snorts.

   "That was last week!" Niall says, raising his hands up defensively.

   "Exactly," Olivia says and Niall runs his hands through his hair in exasperation. Louis pulls his car up at the end of the block and he parks it. The group piles out of the car and walks a few houses down to the one that is ostensibly Harry's, since you can already hear the dull bass line of music emitting from the residence. They ring the doorbell and surprisingly Harry answers it himself and smiles hugging them all tightly with his one free arm, the other one holding his drink. He's got this button up shirt on, with the most ugliest print Zayn has ever seen, and half of it is unbuttoned.

   "Is this your flat Harry?" Louis asks, slightly shouting over some god awful pop song blaring from living room.

   "No, no it's my friends'. Kinda. They're visiting from the states and they're renting this place," Harry explains, taking a sip of whatever's in his cup.

   "You're going to trash a house that doesn't belong to you?' Olivia accuses Harry.

   "We'll try not to," he says, winking and turning away from them, back into the heart of the party. Louis makes a beeline for the kitchen and Zayn and Olivia trail behind him. Niall got distracted by some people he knew in the living room and soon they lost him. In the kitchen, Louis grabs three plastic cups and fills them with various combinations of liquors and some other shit, and Zayn just let Louis do his thing, because _he's fucking good at it._ Louis hands him his cup and Zayn take a sip that was a borderline chug, and he watches as Louis offers Olivia the cup, which she rejects, and then watches Louis chug both drinks one right after the other and stick out his tongue and disappear into the living room. Zayn turn to Olivia and offers her a beer, she also declines that.

   "You know it's legal here right?" Zayn asks rhetorically and scoffs. She rolls her eyes.

   Suddenly, Liam enters the kitchen and smiles at both of them, he grabs a beer and walks over to Zayn. And _hot damn_. Zayn would be lying if he said that Liam didn't look fit as hell in his white tee and tight jeans, his tattoos exposed on his forearm. "Hey I didn't know you'd be here!" Liam says flashing his white teeth.

   Zayn awkwardly shrugs, while continuing to stare,"Here I am." He takes another gulp from his cup. He is not drunk enough for this conversation. Liam turns to leave and notices Olivia gaping before winking at her.

   A few wordless moments pass before Olivia says, "I'd like that drink now please."

 

***

   The hours speed by and to put it gently, _Zayn became fucking shitfaced._ He's been drinking and drinking and basically stalking Liam but not having the guts to actually talk to him. Good thing there's his real best mate, _alcohol._ Zayn lost track of all his friends in the process of scoping out Liam, but suddenly Harry's running up the basement stairs, tripping on his own feet, which are covered by gold boots by the way. He cups his hands to his mouth and screams,"Hey guys we're playing spin the bottle down in the basement come join!", and drunkenly grabs Liam by the edge of his shirt and drags him down into the basement, and like a shadow, Zayn trails along, down the wooden steps into a dark room which is warm and dimly lit. He sees Louis in the corner, sitting in a circle with people Zayn doesn't know screaming shit like " _Fucky Duck!_ " or something, and then he sees Olivia drunk arguing with some people about what he thinks is cultural appropriation next to a musty couch with stains on it. Harry sits cross-legged in the open space and grabs an empty beer bottle from the abundance laying around. He starts screaming again and soon a decent size group of people have huddled in a circle. Zayn sits in between to Louis and Olivia, and he doesn't even want to play but then, he does. Because of you know who. And there's this tingly feeling in his stomach and it might be vomit but it might also be anticipation or even something like _hope_. And Niall comes bursting out of a room yelling happily with whipped cream on his eyebrows and pretty much everywhere else on his face and plops himself right next to Louis who giggles and leans into Niall's shoulder and ruins Zayn's thinking. Zayn eyes Liam from across the circle where he sits next to Harry. He recognizes some people from school and others he just doesn't know at all. Harry starts spinning the brown bottle and some people chant and he sees a lot of girls staring at it like they're eyes are magnets or something. It lands on some girl he doesn't know and they kiss. People whoop. The game goes on and Zayn doesn't care until it's Olivia's turn to spin and it lands on this girl who has pink hair. And Zayn has played spin the bottle before and when this happens, they just respin, but he sees Olivia lean in and _they kiss_ just like that. And Olivia is giggling and people are cheering.  _Oh, we're playing this kind of spin the bottle._ And Zayn takes the bottle with sweaty palms and just, spins.

   And its like the universe has everything planned for him, and its like Allah is looking down like, "Zayn you fucking deserve this, you've gone through so much shit in your life." And the bottle land on Liam _fucking_ Payne. And it feels like the room just got dead ass silent. And Zayn is frozen and Liam surprised as hell, but they're all drunk as fuck so it doesn't take much for Zayn to lean over and grab Liam's face and pull it towards his own and just kiss Liam's lips like he's been waiting to for eleven years of his life.

   So yes. This moment, maybe be the worst moment in the world. Or the best. This moment is a paradoxical mess and Zayn wants this and he needs this and his mind is telling him, " _more more more._ " But he knows as he releases his hands and the kiss lasts nothing but a second, that the pit in his stomach crushes him and everything inside of him is shattered because he knows it'll never be more. And his insides are doing the swirling thing again, like they're waves tossing his mind back and forth and he's fucking lost but not really because he knows one thing's for sure. _He's still in love with Liam Payne._

 

**Author's Note:**

> THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING THIS I APPRECIATE IT A LOT ILY KUDOS AND COMMENTS WOULD BE COOL


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